How To Bear The Secret Shame of Adulthood: Crying Because ‘They Grow Up So Fast’

How to Bear The Secret Shame Of Adulthood… “Crying Because ‘They Grow Up So Fast’ and things of that nature”

          While ‘not crying because they grow up so fast’ over a beer at the zoo I decided something had to be done. It is simply inappropriate to cry over spilled milk. 


-So endth the blog. 


How to JUMP

How To: Tell That Story About Girls In White Dresses With Blue Satin Sashes…

          So now that I am of thee city I have decided that if the hills are alive with the sound of music I may as well be the DJ. I don’t give a damn what any one sans a hair and makeup team has to say. I am too damn busy living my life and ignoring…

          One if by land

Two if by sea

What ever to do if the call is three.

          Don’t ask me I like to party but go home early. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

How to Jump


A Prototype3224 Experience

Grace -> Fat Hostess

Mercy -> Gay Busboy


She Who Laughs


Is Obviously Imminently

Plotting Destruction


Journey’s End




Woods (a crossroads of woods)

Back Woods

Mountain Top






The Sky

In The Sky

Sky Is Lead

Earth Is Stone



Beyond -} * Starting Point = The veil = Earth’s Atmosphere (When decoding Bibliotheca


Woods (A Crossroads of Woods)


Mountain Top






The Sky

In The Sky

Sky Is Lead

Earth Is Stone




Beyond -> *Starting Point = The Veil= Earth’s Atmosphere.  (When decoding Bibliotheca one simply must word concluding couplet simply.



          I had a dream of you five minutes ago. I know it probably doesn’t mean much. Heck, I know it probably doesn’t mean anything to you since you’re the gateway drug to any adolescent female who intends to make something out of her life but somehow I fooled myself into believing you thought I was special.

          I know its crazy right? What would someone who has every woman this side of 1995 who was ever in the industry and a good deal of the ones between then and 1990; possibly have an interest in me for?

          Not like you would care enough to take out your frustration with the masses by grabbing and holding on to as much of me in your art as you can. It’s not like there was ever anything special, I was just a girl. I wasn’t even mature enough to understand an adult relationship yet. I wasn’t even mature enough to fully comprehend the world around me. Yet I felt I knew it all somehow because I know how you make me feel.

          I didn’t realize until five minutes ago that feelings were what cause emotions. When I knew you I knew how I felt and I knew my emotions because all I need to know is how I feel about you and that is what the world around me is made of.

          I lived, breathed and slept in your arms. With you inside of me lulled to sleep by the echo of our heart beat. Two hearts beating as one would be an understatement. We were one heart split into two in my dream last night. Nothing could ever come between us because I had never experienced the feeling of a broken heart. Which is why I won’t ever know fear.

          All was right with the world and we flew on gossamer wings. We conceived a dream of a future that crumbled until it tumbled down the crystal stair of life only to become deferred.

          Then I woke up and that was our forever.


Chapter 1

It all started the day you stopped believing in me. That was the day your disbelief took the shape of a loose woman who wore her disregard for my virtue like a makeshift mirage. Her illusions made you think she would be there for you in a clutch so you told her all about me.

How you needed me so much and all I cared about was God. You gave shape to the allusion by saying she could have your body because I was saving mines for my husband. You failed to mention our engagement.

She was illiterate and couldn’t speak our language. She didn’t understand that while you were my God in physical realms I was the Goddess of your playground.

So as you gave to her all you had inside of you I watched from the heavens and allowed her to devour you. As sweet as you were in her mouth it wasn’t until she digested that the bitterness hit her stomach.

When we came to this place you and I were together. We  were the same flesh separated as we descended through the atmosphere. With all the Earth and sea on this rock. It wasn’t hard to find one another. Then came the unexpected.

          She knew all about me. They tried to tell her. In every text but she had no religion. Her faith was non-existent so slowly I began to unravel the fabric that made this planet.

Chapter 2



          “So what you’re saying is that you’ve waited this long for…revenge?” Patience stared at her reflection. It was the perfect summer day. It was sunny. It was warm. It was the last thing she had. A memory of her youth that had suddenly surfaced quite unexpectedly.

          All of her life she had only had one boyfriend. There were those who would call  her their girlfriend because they thought it might convince her that they were worth the time of day but she knew better.

          Her heart only belonged to one. Her entire existence had been for him. Everything about her past, present, and future had been to compliment him. As long as she could remember he had always been there. His was the first voice she heard coming home from the hospital wrapped in her mother’s arms.

          Protected from the harsh realities of the world he was the only one she had play dates with. He was the one she let her guard down around. In her heart she had all but forgotten that day. She had buried it. Yet it had stayed hidden in the shadows waiting. Right when she needed most to have forgotten it the memory returned with a vengeance.

          She blinked several times to clear her mind of the thought. The face in the vanity mirror did the same. Suddenly Patience wished that she was the reflection and that she was on the other side of the mirror. She raised her hand to touch it. Where her fingers met those of her reflection there was a cool sensation.

          Suddenly, just like that the question had vanished. No longer playing the victim. Now she was her own woman who didn’t need saving.

          She surveyed the items on the vanity table in front of her. She looked in the mirror and saw a blank canvass. All her life she had been living for  someone else, now it was her turn.

          She began to paint a face that would help her face that would help her to make it through the day. As she applied foundation her skin began  to appear even; looking as soft as it felt. She was just a girl again. Standing with her girlfriends chatting after school when a group of young ladies approached them. One of them called her out asking if she knew a young man she had been having sex with.

          Patience listened to the girl shock and anger at her words hidden behind her straight face. The girl’s words suddenly became a hum and nothing more as Patience tuned her out. “He had sex with me.” That was all she needed to hear.

          Patience died on the sidewalk that day. Her heart stopped when she understood the nature of this betrayal. She had been so sure that she was doing the right thing living as a virgin. She had trusted that he would not go out and hurt her by sharing that part of himself with anyone else.  

          She could not remember anything after that. A part of her looking in the mirror felt like a ghost. As thought the younger version of herself had died before she could fulfill her dreams. Yet a part of her felt alive because she still had not given in and had sex. The truth was somewhere between the two.

          Even if she had died she had been born again and stronger for the experience. Now she knew that it was her own responsibility to make herself happy. She couldn’t live for him she was an individual.


How To Work

How To: Work

          So there is a common misconception that mastering the multiverse is impossible, however the truth is that it only takes about fifteen minutes to do a full day’s work. There will ALWAYS be someone somewhere who fails to understand that we actually have to DO work. Regardless of what we are here for this is the day that you remember on the day at the end of the world all the wives decided to be them-selves and do what they planned any way; things are still going on; needless to say. so enedeth the pun.

Win Spiritual Warfare

There are a lot of ways to describe a growing pain, but the truth of the matter is only one describes life best; circle. Each and every thing we do is a part of something larger. We all have ways of reaching out and connecting, just like we have ways of isolating ourselves. Here’s the thing: why? What is it that makes us want to connect or disconnect in the first place? For me the answer is always love. In each and every instance I have come close to or pushed away from someone my underlying love has been the cause.
When I was younger I was able to tap into the knowledge of my elders because I was surrounded by them and although they were always open with advice the bottom line remained that it is the individuals choice, regardless of the one sharing the advice. I have loved and lost my entire world before, it wasn’t good. Yet in that lost I was prepared to sacrifice my happiness for that of the one who meant the most to me. Now as a woman reconnecting is not as impossible as it once felt. When I walk away from something I do not look back. I make a decision and follow through because I understand the nature of the circle and I am more than sure that there will always be something new to discover even if it is only more of what I already know. That is what being an adult is facing all of the fears, doubts, insecurities of the past and knowing the true definition of spiritual warfare.
Unfortunately, no, I cannot give anyone the solution to their questions any more than someone else can give me my much needed answers. The purpose of life is to go out and explore, what I have found is that all of the worry and stress I put myself under was from compulsion. There are no books to warn about this because it is something most prefer not to acknowledge. That is better than brushing it under the table. Now in my case I find I am here and spiritual warfare that was once the result of others using me to accomplish their goals has resulted in my own battles against insecurity, sorrow, and even love.
On a daily basis the human spirit fights to maintain balance. Who are we? Why are we here? Where are we from and where are we going? Truth be told, no one can answer these questions for you. You must look inside yourself to find the answers. When you do, you will discover that each and every idea positive or negative all becomes a part of this circle and you have the power to stop or start your role in it at will. Now I love the idea of being created in God’s image and grow from there. However that is my circle, what is yours? Maybe you grow from nature? Perhaps your circle is your family? Do you know the origin or your spirituality? Do you acknowledge it exists at all? How are you growing?
There is only one way to win spiritual warfare, that is to look inside ones-self for true happiness. After the bills are paid, the job completed, the children raised, and time still goes forward then what? If you search deep inside you will find the desires of your heart are still there waiting for you to rediscover what your purpose in life was all along. We do not fight the people who bully us or keep us down. Try instead to overcome your own insecurity and you will find those bullies just disappear because they had no right to be in your life in the first place.
There really is a feeling of power when you overcome the drama that exists in confusion. All the tricks are illusions and at the end of the day it is that inner child with all the dreams you were created to fulfill who you are trying to reach. Once you tune in to that child’s heart you won’t need to fight anymore because your life will find harmony. This planet is a wonderful place to explore. Even if you only look out your window there are miracles happening everywhere. Its up to you to see them. That is what true spiritual warfare is, nothing but a bunch of bullies like insecurity, sloth, or envy trying to get between you and your inner child. If you want to win remember those dreams you had and go for them, it isn’t always about the size of the scale so much as its about remembering that inner child at all. Once you find it you will find yourself winning on every level.

To Be or Not To Be… A Cunning Linguist By Any Other Name…


There is a part of me, there will ALWAYS be a part of me, who sneaks off and writes PULP. I know that in an age where I LITERALLY (pun intended) called my agent and had a major BF at the lack of literature for my age group I shouldn’t but I can’t help it. I mean yes James Bond is a wonderful little tryst but is it thought provoking and eternal? Thus I admit my shame of publishing, well, adult…and I mean extremely adult…fiction when I know I should be seeking the true nature of nature and the meaning of life and applying it to the world of my readers. So if we shadows have offended, look at it this way; our libidos will potentially fade, I’m getting a jump on stopping that terrible crime before it happens.Image

In a totally unrelated bish fit I came to understand the true meaning of “STANDARDS” in the Biblical Sense of the word. I also came to understand “ORDER” as in: No, you go first. I will just be over here taking notes, silently correcting your grammar, and actually using spell check. This is who I am. I am not ashamed. Honestly. Image

There is so much power in the written word. Word play is my ULTIMATE favorite game. I sat back for so long pretending that I am not good at it. Now I just need to release. I am creating a world here people. I live in the perfect sleepy town. I dance, which really is just an excuse to parade around in costume. I write, which is how I manage to find the time to use delightful visuals like this one and turn them into full fledged entertainment in a world where even soap opera funding has been cut.


Seriously people, soap opera -a genre LITERALLY CREATED JUST TO SELL THINGS- no longer has a budget to, well, sell things. Thus I must use my power of cunning linguism to encourage my fellow writers to come out of hiding. I know you’re out there. Starring at your notebooks, just thinking to yourself; “It’s a shame that no one would get that.” Turn those woes into HEY NONNIE NONIE! Remember, its not “No one will get that.” Its; “KNOW! ONE WILL GET THAT!!!” Besides, my agent responded with that’s why they stopped making movies which is a call to end the writers strike if ever there was one; in my minds “I” 😉

So Miley lost her VOGUE COVER after “twerking” I know that you may think its because of twerk. I assure you, its because a dance exercise done to warm your body up BEFORE you go on stage is NOT an actual dance move. This wouldn’t be an issue if BUNHEADS was still on the air to explain such things. Nor if our beloved Miley attended formal dance classes.

Yes Iranian President Hassan Rowhani, we get the joke. “Not one iota” of your nuclear rights. Priceless, however, we were all discussing standards, order, and yes in the world of the Baljeatles where even Science Camp Rocks you’re the man. However, was that joke approved by the beautiful Sahebeh Rouhani…Image

We’re just saying….

….Oh, and Apple…Image

Until someone invents the proper accessories for me to sync my stilettos to my iPhone5 a’la Nike and coordinate with my Swarovski Image JUST STOP. You know, like Derrick Rose finally learned how to do in Japan. I guess he had to go somewhere fast and furious to learn how to handle that drive. Good Game! Image